I was raised by parents who utilized a carefully balanced system of bribery and bargains versus guilt. As I got to be a teenager and stretched the boundaries of my independence, the guilt was much less effective and the bribery more so. I vaguely recall potty training sessions involving little colored marshmallows prior to age three. I remember my mother desperately bargaining with me the summer after kindergarten when 5:00 a.m. seemed like the best time to get out of bed and wake her up, putting into place the bargain that said that the later that I either stayed in bed sleeping or quietly entertaining myself in my room, the later I could stay up at night. There was also the lightening fast rate that I learned my multiplication tables when there were roller skates like the other girls in the neighborhood had hanging in the balance, or the dollars for grades program I implemented in high school. Thus, I have always believed that bribery far outweighed guilt in effectiveness as a parenting tool.
I have raised my children only utilizing the bribery method. Mostly because my kids have never fallen for the guilt tactic. For example, remember the old wives tale about stepping on a crack and breaking your mother's back? When I teasingly taught this to my son did he stop and carefully avoid every mark in the sidewalk that closely resembled a crack? Of course not. He stepped on every single one, glancing over at me each time to see if I was falling to the ground in broken pain. My ex-husband was also raised on bribery and completely supported the notion that it was a normal child rearing skill.
Recently, however, I have begun to see the error of my ways, and wonder if bribery and bargains are perhaps not the best parenting tools to utilize. Because Chip and his family are active proponents of the bribery and bargaining methods, the children are constantly showing up at my house talking about the various 'deals' that have been made with Grandpa, Grandma, Dad or Uncle Chris. Recently, there was the pop deal. Uncle Chris made a deal with the kids that if they refrained from drinking pop, he would pay them $35 each every month. Of course, I'm not certain that this really counts as a deal as there is a daily allowance of one Sprite. Last I checked, Sprite was pop, and it is my firm belief that neither of my children have a need for all of the sugar and other miscellaneous crap included in one Sprite a day. However, Colton will often ask for a Sprite, citing the aforementioned deal, and informing me that he has not yet had his one Sprite of the day.
However, the main reason that I am questioning bribery and bargains is because the method is being turned around on me by the kids. Just last week, I was curling my hair with a new curling iron. For some reason, I have had great difficulty holding on to this curling iron and have sent it flying out of my hands, cord yanking out of the wall, into either the toilet or the bathroom garbage can. I have also scored quite a large burn on my forearm when it grazed me on it's way into the toilet. During one of these instances, when I believed myself to be alone, several expletives also went flying. Colton's head popped around the corner into the bathroom and he gave me a look which was designed to make me feel badly about swearing with a small child in hearing distance. "Mom", he said, "let's make a deal." My 7 year old son then proceeded to attempt to make a deal with me, said deal being that for every month that I went without swearing, he would pay me $1. Because I was still attempting to scrape off burned bathroom garbage can plastic bag from my new curling iron, and muttering additional swear words under my breath, I promptly said no. Now, as everyone knows, part of making a deal also involves bargaining and my children are champion bargainers that could hold their own in any outdoor market in Mexico. The monthly no swearing rate got bumped to $2, and then $4, finally topping of at the enormous sum of $6! Unfortunately, as cursing is a fundamental part of my personality and a requirement for anyone working in family law, I had to turn it down.
However, the situation made me question myself on a number of levels. First of all, do I really swear that much?!? I mean, you can take me out into polite company and not be embarrassed. I don't include f-bombs in every sentence, or even every third sentence. You could totally introduce me to your parents, even if they're staunch Methodists, with the total assurance that I would be welcome at any family dinner in the future. But ever since the $6 deal proposal, I find myself stopping to listen a little more closely about what comes out of my mouth.
I also find myself wondering what I'm really teaching my kids when I bargain or bribe for better behavior or for them to learn a skill that they're going to have to master regardless. Does it take away from the sense of accomplishment that you might feel when you get an 'A' on a test, if waiting for you at home is the new video game you propositioned your dad for? It almost feels like my kids receive rewards and money for things that are expected from other kids. When I got to the point in school where I received letter grades, I remember occasionally my dad would slip me a few bucks for a good report card. There was not this systematic chart that some families have that states that for every 'A' received, you receive $20. I also distinctly know that, had I brought home a report card full of grades that fell below my parents expectations, I would have a bigger issue than simply facing the disappointment of not receiving cash. I recall frequently when my children were little and had to go some place where there was a fear that they may not cooperate or behave exactly as desired to make the outing go smoothly, Grandma always stepped up and magically a 'prize' would appear. Does Katelyn have a dentist appointment? Well, if she behaves, Grandma will get her a Beanie Baby. Does Colton have to go to the doctor? Good cooperation rates Pokemon cards! What does it say when providing essential medical or dental treatment to my children also means providing them with a bonus? Are my kids going to grow up believing that if they do well in college that they'll deserve more than the rewarding career this will bring? What kind of prize do you even get for doing well in college?! Isn't having your parents help you pay for college a prize in itself? Most well adjusted adults realize that completing a project at work usually rates a pat on the back or a "job well done". Am I raising kids that are going to be constantly left feeling unsatisfied or unaccomplished because when they do a good job at work, their boss isn't buying them candy or Spiderman action figures?
Thus the question then becomes, once kids have been brought up utilizing the bribery and bargaining parenting tools, how do you ease away from this? How does one teach a child that has been raised to expect not only praise, but loot as well, to be happy with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment? Is there a book for this? Some sort of manual? Or when my children get to be adults, am I going to be required to go out and find them a prize or some sort of treat, each and every time they succeed at something others find to be a requirement of life? Do your laundry this week? Well, let me buy you a new bottle of perfume! Wash your car? That certainly rates $25! Does it matter that it's their own laundry or their own car that they're providing maintenance for? Nope! Not when you parent using the bribery and bargaining methods!
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